weather – Almost Farmgirl

Day one of Trump’s second term.

It’s cold outside. My weather app reports a wind chill of -25. I’m sitting at my desk while I eat some oatmeal, drink some coffee. Work up the nerve to go outside and take care of the barn.

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I’ve already blocked someone on social media today, a person who barely knew me through my ex. I laughed as I did it, honestly, the thought suddenly occurring to me that I don’t actually need to stay “social media” friends with someone who only ever seemed to pop up to insult me.

To be honest, like so many, I’m debating taking my leave of Zuckerberg’s media empire entirely. TikTok was already a cesspool. I’ve never really been a fan of Twitter. I’m still there–here, if you’re reading this through Facebook–but investigating other options. (Note: If you enjoy this blog and follow it on Facebook or Instagram, maybe consider joining the email list.)

Several friends have reached out today. Between the overt Nazi Salutes at the inauguration–Elon’s Nazi Salute(s) really were just icing on an ugly cake that we already knew was laced with arsenic–and the executive orders and pardons already granted, we can feel the tone of what’s coming.

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And yet…we’ve been here before. The presidency of this lunatic looming, and I can’t help but remind myself that we survived it once before. Not everyone, mind you, but most of us. Democracy. America. I understand that I’m expressing a survivorship bias, but it’s still a fact: we did this before. We can do it again.

Last time Trump took office, I was in a very different place. My marriage falling to pieces. I was only weeks away from filing for divorce. Heartbroken. Soulbroken. I wanted to believe that Trump’s racist and xenophobic campaign promises were empty, but I still braced myself for four years of ugliness. And it came. It found us.

We know more now. We know that Trump’s ugliness is deep and wide, and that it revealed a deep and wide ugliness in the soul of our country. We know that his vile promises aren’t empty, but that he doesn’t really care about most of them either. (The wall, the TikTok ban, kids in cages: all policies he walked back for his own convenience.)

I know that the next four years will reveal an awful lot of rot in our country and our countrymen (and women…fellow white suburban women, I’m looking at you…), but I also know that his presidency, even with the halls of government stacked in his favor, will not be a monolith.

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Last time, if you had told me on the first day of Trump’s presidency that joy was rushing towards me at the speed of light, I wonder if I would have believed you. But it was. The first nine months of that term would mark some of the worst days of my life, but joy was coming. Falling in love. Building community. Rediscovering who I was and who I could be.

I guess that’s what I’ve been thinking about today: regardless of who haunts the halls of power, we are still here. Still living. Still showing up. And mark my words: some of what is coming is going to be beautiful. Not because of Trump, but in spite of him.

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I said the same thing to almost everyone today, including myself: Joy is resistance. He does not get to steal four years of joy from my life. I will not give it up. But also, I have found that it is stronger, sneakier, more expansive than we like to give it credit for. And, even more than that, it makes us stronger. Joy steels your spine and opens your heart. It reminds us what we’re here for.

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It’s still so cold. And it will be, for now, but the weather app promises more reasonable weather will come in time.

And, honestly, even though the polar vortex weather always puts me in a foul mood, I’m beginning to subscribe to the Scandinavian idea that “there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes.” That, at the heart of things, it’s up to us to respond to the thing’s we’re facing as best we can.

The cold will greet me, maybe even take my breath away. But the barn and it’s creatures, the sky and this ridgeline, they will do their healing work, just like they’ve always done.

And I will remember that joy rushes towards us so quietly that, even when all feels lost, we never know all the ways it is planning to show up.

“There is no creature whose inward being is so strong that it is not greatly determined by what lies outside of it.”
– George Elliot, Middlemarch.

February

It isn’t as warm as yesterday, but I cannot call it cold. As of morning chores, the thermometer was flirting with 50 degrees, unseasonably warm for Midwestern Februarys. Walking to the barn in just a sweatshirt is a rare treat. The day is overcast; my weather app tells me that it will drop back down into the 30s tomorrow.

The squirrels seems to be celebrating this momentary gift of warmth. I watch two of them flitting through the trees like little furry ninjas, taking aerial leaps from tree to tree, branch to branch, that I wouldn’t have thought possible. I can’t help but laugh aloud, pausing for several minutes to stand and watch them as they chitter back and forth, oblivious to my presence.

The horses, llamas, ponies, alpacas, chickens, and even barn cats are likewise “feeling their oats.” They all seems especially enthusiastic today; whether playing or eating or just napping in the sun, they are going about their business with a little bit of sunshine in their step. So am I.

It’s temporary; I know, but when February gives you light, you let that light in.

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March

The day has been gray. The weather forecast warned me that rain is likely, but things are warm and dry as I go about most of my day, and I forget about the impending squall. The text from my mother warning me about the oncoming storm stops me in the middle of cooking dinner; I run to the barn, hoping to settle the animals in for the night before the thunderstorm makes it to the ranch. The storm begins to blow in as I run up the barn lane. My solitary set of winds chimes tolls a panicked warning; they ring out loud and angry and dissonant. The same wind rattles my aluminum gates in their hinges, creaking and crashing. The trees swayed back and forth, deep roots digging in against the front coming out of the west. I wonder briefly if any of them will fall.

Rain comes down cold and heavy on my shoulders as I roll open my barn doors and begin ticking chores off my list. Shut the barn cats inside their tack room. Shut the chickens into their coop.

Sirens begin blaring as I fill hay nets. That means that a tornado has been sighted in the county. I glance outside; the sky bares no tell-tale signs of a twister. The heavens are angry, to be sure, but dark gray, not green. The wind is frenzied. My Midwestern upbringing has taught me that the sky to worry about is a calm green one. I glance at my weather app and confirm that the touch down was on the other side of the county, miles and miles away. I make hasty work of the last few hay nets, and, comfortable that everyone is as well set to weather the storm as I can make them, I run back through the downpour to the comfort of the house.

The sounds of the storm wake me several times throughout the night. Hail pinging on a metal roof, thunder crashing in the distance, wind and rain railing against every corner of the house as the winds shift direction. I lie in bed and pray for my creatures, hoping they have the sense to go inside. Hoping that no trees fall and take down fences. Hoping no more twisters are born of this storm system. I fall back asleep as the rain continues down.

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April

April showers are said to bring May flowers, but so far they are only bringing me mud. The two horses in the main barn have churned up their paddock so badly that I have ankle deep mud to contend with every time I have to get to the chicken coop. Of course, that’s inconvenient, but the bigger problem is the way they tend to slip around. I picture them falling, and worry that someone will get hurt…whether that someone would be one of them, or me, is yet to be seen. I decide to move them in with the other horses in the back pasture to keep all of us safer.

My world is wet and damp. The rain is unrelenting from the end of March through the first part of April. Everything is more difficult in the mud, from chores every morning to keeping my tile floors clean against the dogs’ muddy paws. The mud makes me irrationally angry every time I have to slog through it. There’s a crack in my rubber boots that lets cold, mucky water in when I step. I really need to replace those…

If I were to begin building an ark up here, high on the ridge above the Illinois River, no one would even blink. The animals barely step out of the barn, and they are as cranky as I am. The forecast says that the rain will end soon, but it feels like it will keep falling down forever.

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The daffodils are up along the farm road. Yellow and bright against the new green grass that I’ve been waiting for. The sun is out, and the animals spend their time outside. They are decidedly happier than they have been in weeks. I still need to replace those boots, but the mud is no longer deep enough to seep in through the crack. Things are warming up, sprouting up, waking up, and coming to life all around me. The warm weather wakes me up too. Months of cold and damp and dark are coming to an end. I feel lighter. The anger from the mud is wearing off as things dry. Of course, the storms will still come–they always do–but when April give you light, you let that light in.